I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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