I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
