I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
