Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
