i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
