One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
