Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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