Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
