I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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