my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
