shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
