I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
