Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
