Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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