I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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