So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
