Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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