Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
babies were throwing up all over the place
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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