Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
