I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
