he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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