Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
