True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize