You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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