i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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