You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you didnt know i had herpes?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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