I understand Curling. That high.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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