So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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