The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
