I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There r osticjed everywhere
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
