have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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