You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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