and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
