okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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