Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
