im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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