Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
