my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish you could order shots online.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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