Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
