I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Houston, we have a blender
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
