My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
