I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
