Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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