my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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