Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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