Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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