I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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