So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I forget how to act sober
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
