I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize