dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
