dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
