I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
