At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
