Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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