Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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