i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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