We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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