My hand turned me down
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
