we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
