Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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