Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
