My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
