Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
People in love make me want to vomit
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
