broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
