My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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