Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
