Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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