Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
