you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
